So the last couple of months have taught me all about a new challenge.
I haven't relapsed since the date specified in my first post on this blog. Today is my 66th day of sobriety.
So what is this new challenge? Isn't the point of recovery to remove challenges? Well, yes it is, and some have been removed.
But the Lord always has new lessons for us to learn. I admit, I don't know how to tackle this one. I don't know how get someone else to progress and recover. I guess the Lord wanted me to go through this so that I would understand how my wife felt trying to get me to progress. She couldn't. She had absolutely no power to make me change. She had the power to encourage me, but she couldn't act on my behalf, no matter how hard she tried.
So now I'm stuck. My wife won't recover from the effects of my addiction, making it impossible for us to communicate fairly or lovingly, despite my best efforts. I try and try to push her forward, to make her feel like there has been progress. I want to make her understand that with progress, there should be less trouble between us.
I guess I can't do that for her.
So the new challenge is learning how to accept that and be supportive, even when I'm being hurt by the individual I'm trying to support. It's pretty vicious. And it makes me feel pretty horrible for putting my wife through that in the first place.
So, the moral of the story is that challenges are issued by the Lord for the purpose of teaching us to understand others in a Christlike manner and so we can learn to act as He would in such situations. I pray that He will grant me inspiration and wisdom to be a proper friend to my wife, who needs my support and patience. I have to learn to deal with the progress she is making, even if it isn't total recovery.
After all, sobriety isn't a sign of total recovery, so I better remove the beam from my own eye before I try to remove the mote in hers.
Welcome to the blogging world:-) Your voice is most welcome and necessary.
ReplyDeleteSorry you are struggling with a bit of codependency. It really can get messy sometimes.
Something I read today may help shed some light on your situation. Do you have a copy of the SA White Book? If so, check out Step 12- the story toward the end of the step. It really rang true to me. It's the story of one mans journey of unraveling himself from trying to make his wife find recovery/love him/forgive him and much more.
If you don't have a White Book - get one - it is a much needed resource in any sex addict's arsenal.
Keep up the good fight!
I like that you know the moral of the story. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a WoPA, I feel the need to maybe shed a little light on where you wife could possibly be coming from because I think my husband feels the exact same way as you do. The deal is, you say you're working recovery and doing great, but we can't see it. Why should we trust and be vulnerable again when we can't see a change? It is too scary and we remain in a dark place. Shay wrote about it in her recent post http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-secret-life-of-recovery.html?m=1 and there was a fabulous article by Danny that can be found here http://lightsalongtheshore.com/2014/01/23/tips-from-men-in-recovery-wish-id-known/ If you want to help your wife in her recovery, include her in yours. To me, at least, that would be the most helpful thing.
ReplyDeleteOh, and if your wife is anything like me, I wouldn't label her behavior as "codependent", like Sidreis implied. It is not what she's dealing with and to many WoPAs the term is very offensive. It's called betrayal trauma. It is real trauma and is very difficult to overcome.
I'm glad you're willing to be patient. I hope you will include her in your recovery and see if it helps!
Perhaps I read Sidreis' comment differently than you did, but I interpreted it to mean that the author may be struggling a bit of codependency?
DeleteLilly, I meant the author of the blog was struggling with a "bit" of codependency... I am fully aware of what betrayal trauma is and how damaging the whole situation can be, to all involved.
DeleteSorry Sidreis! I guess I'm a little over-sensitive to that word right now because it feels so hurtful to me. I understand what you were trying to say. Thanks for being kind in your clarification.
DeleteSorry to be MIA for so long. Thank you, Sidreis, for your help and your concern.
DeleteWhat a great, honest blog! Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAndrew of Rowboat and Marbles recently contacted a sweet friend of mine going through this and he said something to the extent of, "You need recovery for you, not for your marriage." He talked about how important it is to let the marriage go because you can't fully invest in it or work on it until you've got solid recovery going for you.
My first sponsor talked about it in terms of draining a pool -that for years, my husband and I had a backyard pool that we had been swimming it... but it was contaminated. It needed to be drained. We still have the pool, and we can still use it, but first it has to be drained completely and then refilled with clean, untainted water. That analogy helped me so much when my husband wasn't working recovery and I wanted to work on the marriage.
When your wife is ready, the Lord will let her know.
Sometimes I know that when my husband was doing the best he could with his recovery, I was doing my worst. It was almost as if we teeter-tottered sometimes.
It's hard to watch someone you love and care about so deeply hurting. I hope you can both find God's hand in your lives today. Thanks again for sharing.
I, too appreciated your post and these comments. I feel like I've been given a world of resources, friends and therapy tools that has helped buoy me up during the hard times of my recovery. But when I look at my husband, I ache for him because he is depressed, and I know much of that is caused by the circumstances brought into our relationship over the years.
ReplyDeleteI want so badly to make these therapy appointments for him, but I also know until he's ready, they may not do much good. I want so badly to "work on our marriage" now, but as we started couples counseling it became startingly clear that he's got some of his own "work" to do--and it may be best that I step out of the details for those sessions (but of course, he won't make those appointments). So I figure instead of getting wrapped up in trying to change him/rescue him (codependency), I need to love him, learn how to care about who he is right now, and just be his cheerleader.
That SA story that Sidreis commented about sounds interesting.
Late to the party! But I really related with this post, so here goes. My wife and I are in a similar situation (though I'm at around 30 days into recovery), and we've really been wondering how her recovery is supposed to work. I like how you talk about being a proper friend to her first. I really think that's key--it's almost like courting all over again, with the same rules. Being kind, communicative, non-physical, dates, etc. That's what we're working on...I hope it's going better for you!
ReplyDeleteR